How NOT to Talk to Someone Recovering from an Eating Disorder

The eating disorder recovery symbol. NEDA

Like any other mental health illness, dealing with an eating disorder can be extremely difficult. And so can be talking about them, especially when trying to talk to and help someone you know and love.

But trying to improve the way you communicate with them, including the word choice and messages that you send, can go a long way in not only having a clearer and more healthy communication with someone you love recovering from an eating disorder, but actually be an important source of support in helping them recover.

While every eating disorder sufferer's experience is different, and thus the way to approach it and talk to them will vary, here are 10 key ways NOT to talk to someone recovering from an eating disorder.


1. As if though it is their fault or they made the choice to develop and have an eating disorder. Just like people with physical illnesses, people don't choose to develop mental illnesses like eating disorders.

2. Avoid comments and compliments centered around weight (including weight gain or loss), body shape, and comparing the looks/weight of people - even if the comments are about someone else. 
Even if your intentions are positive, body- and weight-centered comments and compliments still bring attention to their body and weight, which can be triggering for people recovering from a disorder that generally strongly makes them fixate on their body and weight. 

Even when the comments are about someone else (ex: "she looks SO much better thinner!" or "did you see the size of their waist?!"), the focus is still on body and weight, and it can create a negative idea and/or fixation toward a certain body size, and in the case of anorexia nervosa even validate the obesophobic ideas associated with the disorder.

*If you want to compliment someone on their recovery or progress, remember that comments and compliments outside one's look exist - things like "you're a really strong person", "you're kind" or mentioning things you admire about them (potentially including the aforementioned) can go a long way.

3. With judgement for having an eating disorder. Unfortunately misconceptions exist about what exactly eating disorders are, how one can develop them, and about the eating disorder sufferers themselves - which can, then, shape the way sufferers are viewed, especially when just opening about having suffered from one or still recovering. People are not their eating disorder, so suffers shouldn't be judged, discriminated or made fun as a result and basis on it.

4. Minimizing their experience and struggles that come with the illness. Whether saying "others have it worse" or "it's not that bad", especially considering that each eating disorder is different and so are the symptoms and experience of each eating disorder sufferer (and any other mental illness for that matter). 

5. Telling them they should just eat and their eating disorder will magically disappear just like that. Or in the cases of some eating disorders, to eat more (ex: "just eat a hamburger)...or to even eat less.

6. Telling them to hurry on with the recovery process - especially if the person had a relapse in their recovery process. Relapses sometimes happen, but so is recovery possible - at it own time and whatever time the sufferer needs. 

Every eating disorder sufferer has difference experiences, symptoms, and potentially other co-morbid illnesses (like anxiety and depression) that may need them to take more time than they thought they needed. Recovery doesn't have a set time to take place.

7. Telling them that they "don't look" like they have an eating disorder, or the specific disorder they suffer from. Eating disorders don't have "a look" nor are an adjective - they can affect anyone, so why try to define them and their sufferers?

8. Telling them "I tried to have" their eating disorder, "but couldn't" or "didn't have the 'will power'". Eating disorders are not a trend, they are a serious illness.

9. Invalidating the way they are feeling, especially as a result of their eating disorder. Even if you don't agree or understand with what they are sharing with you, you need to allow and try to understand what they are trying to tell you and share with you, especially if its coming from a vulnerable position. Eating disorders can sometimes distort the way sufferers view themselves and relate to things like eating, and lead to disordered thinking, but that doesn't mean it invalidates what they're feeling and have to say - even if it's unhealthy - as it can actually give you insight into their way of thinking and feeling and can help correct their relationship with food and themselves.

10. Telling them "it is not possible" for them to have an eating disorder. Eating disorders don't discriminate - anyone can develop them. So assuming someone doesn't have an eating disorder, especially after your loved one has expressed concern that they might have one or confirming and confiding to you that they do suffer from one, is extremely harmful. 

Unless you're them, you don't know everything and exactly what they're going through, feeling, and doing, and denying their eating disorder concerns will only create a barrier between you and them, and potentially hinder their recovery process. Instead of covering your ears and mind and saying "it is not possible", listen.